Tuesday, January 10, 2017

I'll Write Again on Two Conditions

Two conditions

  1. You don't mention this or anything I say
  2. I'm beginning from now. No, or very little, backfill

One

I've been wanting to blog again for a long time. Aching to really. But I keep hearing this nagging voice with a wagging finger in the back of my head that says "you've been away too long", "do you really want to say that?", "what will people think of you if . . .?", "once it's out there you can never take it back!".

I thought I could just write on paper and that would do the trick. I could clear my head by trapping these ideas in a spiral college ruled. It didn't work the same. I got it out but it turned out to be a jumbled mess of ink. The thoughts incoherent in my head remained frustrated and confused. Paper didn't force me to really think about what I was thinking and how I was saying it. The possibility of a reader did. I needed an audience.

An audience is scary. An audience thinks about what you say and thinks it is really you. They trust that it is. But, what if I want to change my mind later? What if I realize that what I said wasn't really what I meant? What if I was just full of crap and too stupid to realize it? And then the audience wants to talk to me about it?!

Ugh, the voice again. Do me a favor and don't talk to me about my blog, at least for now. Let me regain some confidence or whatever it is that's holding me back.

Two

I have been extremely inconsistent in my writing over the last five years. It seemed just as my life was getting super exciting and my readership was higher than ever, I dropped off the face of the earth. I did. Literally. I landed on an island in the middle of the Pacific. You wanted to hear all about that supposed dream life and I disappointed you. I withheld from you the opportunity to live vicariously through me. Yeah sure, I occasionally threw out a few teasers: pictures of surfing, the beach, adventurous tales--but it wasn't the same. And it will never be the same again.

I can't go back. Sure it might be fun if I tried sifting through old pictures and dredging up old memories but it wouldn't last and it wouldn't be real. Or at least it wouldn't be the same. And I would probably lose interest again. You would too. Because the real purpose of the blog isn't to showcase the perfect life and the awesome adventures and to brag about myself. No, the real purpose, as stated above, is to sort some things out. To get some things out of my head and onto a digital post it note so I can look at it, move it around, think about it, and see if I can finally figure out this thing, this stuff, this life.

OK, fine, I might sometimes rehash. I reserve that right. 

For now, however, I will begin with today and see where it takes me.


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