I'm cleaning out my email inboxes and came upon this letter I wrote to a friend. It was a good reminder to me today as I am preparing to start classes next week. Feeling a little overwhelmed this spoke peace to my heart and reminded me that yes I know I am doing what I should be.
After you shared your thoughts in relief society today I wanted to share something with you but didn't feel I wanted to say in front of the class so I held back. You talked about not receiving that big confirmation that you were hoping for and it made me think of a conversation I had with Beth the other day.
I've been trying to decide if I am going to start a Masters program in fall. I have wanted to do it for a while and have felt an increased desire over the past year and Dave too has felt like it is time I should do it. But it hasn't come as a big GO DO THIS NOW AND DO IT THIS WAY! which I would prefer. Instead I've just kinda felt like I wanted to do it and I've had a lot to figure out on my own, a lot of research to do on different schools and stuff. Though I feel like I should do this I have also caught myself, in the next thought, thinking/whining "if heavenly father wanted me to do this he would tell me exactly what to do." I've had a lot of self doubt over whether I'm smart enough, have enough time/money, whether it is something I should be doing when all I've ever wanted is to be a stay-at-home mom.
In a conversation with Beth about this while Visiting Teaching she had an interesting insight. She said," if heavenly father didn't think it was a good idea don't you think he'd stop you?! He doesn't want you to waste money and time. He doesn't want you to inconvenience or disrupt family life. If he isn't stopping you you should do it."
Her comment immediately made me think of my students in my costume class. Though I am technically the designer for the shows I really just give them an idea and point them in a direction and tell them x is where we want to end up. Sometimes I give them more specific direction if it is important that it be done a certain way. I LOVE when I have students who say OK and just go for it. I HATE when I have students who ask me at every turn, "what do I do next? Is this button ok? Should they wear socks? where do I find the iron? do I need to try this on the actor?" I always stop students who are on the wrong track. (though sometimes I let them make a few mistakes knowing that they will learn something from it).
I think Heavenly Father is like a costume design teacher :-). He has a big master plan and sometimes he needs and wants to give specific direction and sometimes he just wants us to use our own initiative and make some decisions and maybe make a few mistakes so we can learn along the way. If we get too far off course though he will stop us. He wants this whole production to look beautiful in the end and he doesn't want any of his materials to be wasted. The moral of the story is pray always, be open to inspiration and revelation but when it doesn't come quite when or like you expect it, be motivated to act on your own and trust that He will stop you if it is wrong.
One line from the lesson today stuck out. Pres. Eyring said, "Continuing revelation comes to Stake presidents to lift them above their own wisdom and capacities." I swapped "Stake presidents" for "Dani" and realized Heavenly father doesn't need to give me a huge revelation over school because it isn't above my own wisdom and capacity to make this decision. It is something I can totally do and his lack of big signs is just a sign that he has confidence in me.
I think it is the same for you maybe? I love you and empathize with you. I know it is very difficult to uproot your family and leave everything you've known. I know how hard it is to sell a house and to sell and pack and throw away years worth of stuff. If there is anything I can do to lighten your load I will be there.
You will be missed dearly,