Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Back to

Sick: stomach hurts.  Can't decide if I'd rather puke or ----.  Feel anxious and can't sit still; itchy, uncomfortable. "What if's" are racing around in my head but never very far and always in a circle. Worried about what might happen, what will definitely happen. What I really wish didn't have to happen. Every year, the day before school starts, I feel the same. Tomorrow is the first day of school.

First day, first grade I rode the bus to school with a new hairdo--a bob--worried that Josh, the boy I liked the previous year, wouldn't recognize me.  

My first day of third grade mom dropped me off.  I'd been sick for several days previous; I was at a new school.  I was late to school and there were two sets of doors: one on the right side of the building and one on the left with a small atrium between.  I had no idea which set of doors to walk into.  I'd visited the school earlier but I just couldn't remember where I was supposed to go.

Seventh grade, my entry into Junior High, was a memorable beginning.  I wore a new outfit: hounds tooth slacks and a white rolled neck sweater with a black mock turtleneck underneath.  Very classy.  Very 80's.  Big bangs too. Every one else's bangs were bigger.  I continued to feel sick for the whole first week.

High school is a blur to me now but I remember feeling sick a lot.  Nightmares that I would walk into the wrong class were common.  That of course didn't end in college instead it was multiplied.  What if I missed a class completely?  I still have those dreams and wake in confusion and frustration.

Tonight I feel terrible.  In fewer than 8 hours all my children will be back in school. I will miss them terribly.

Heath starts early morning Seminary this year and will be leaving the house at 6 am every morning.  After seminary he will go straight to High School--yes, he is now a HIGH SCHOOL student, after which he will study in the library until waterpolo practice.  Practice gets out at 7pm.  Yep, he will be gone for 13 hours every day, guaranteed.  Some days will be more if he's got scouts or a polo game or activities with friends.  Tonight I kissed him goodbye.

Kirkham is still in middle school and the girls, Afton and Cora, are in elementary but that doesn't mean much. They'll still be gone for a minimum of 7 hours a day.  When I do see them it will be in the car running them to swim practices, soccer practices, scouts, achievement days, etc. Occasionally they will come home to do homework.

Unfortunately them being gone for so long every day is not the worst part of sending them to school.  The worst part is that when I do finally get to see them, hug them, talk to them and hang out with them (I will be as excited as a puppy dog) they will be tired, hungry, grumpy or preoccupied.  They will not be as fun to be with anymore. And when they go back to school I am no fun to be with either.  I am no longer "let's go to the lake" mom, I am "get your homework done" mom or "hurry and finish your chores" mom or "go to bed early because you're driving me crazy" mom.

I'm not ready for school to start.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Dani, that sounds perfectly awful. I'm so sorry for your poor twisted up tummy. Perhaps YOU need a back to school blessing. I hope it fares better for you soon. Chin up.

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